Thin Again, Begin Again

Tonight we had breakfast for dinner. Sausage, eggs and gravy biscuits. It was so delicious that it made me realize how long we’ve been eating healthy. I can’t remember the last time we had a complete, fat and calorie loaded dinner like that… and it was wonderful. We’ve been eating healthy for the past five months or so. We’ve been avoiding junk food and fast food. Jorma’s been exercising every day and I’ve been exercising off and on. Off and on means, on for two months, off for one, on for one, off for one. Like that. Jorma’s lost over 30 pounds and I’ve lost 17. I guess if I had been exercising every day for months, I’d be at a 30 pound loss too, but it’s just damn hot outside and I get lazy. The good news is that I’m at my pre Tristan weight and if I lose 15 more, I’ll be at my pre Connor weight. If I lose 10 after that, I’ll be at my pre Jorma weight. If I lost 10 past that, I’d be at my early twenties weight. My early twenties weight still wasn’t supermodel thin, but compared to the weight I am now, it would be such a joy. Just to put on something from the closet and not worry about how fat it makes me look. Just to get dressed and go. Of course when I was in my early twenties… I still thought I was fat.

I remember waiting tables and walking away from one of my customers at a table full of women as I heard her say, “I could never work here and stay that skinny.” I remember it because it was one of the few times in my life I’ve ever heard someone use the word “skinny” directed at me. I wanted to turn around and hug her and at that point didn’t care if they left me a tip at all. That also goes to show how just an offhanded comment can be something that’s never forgotten. It’s been 15-ish years since that comment and I still roll it through my head like candy on my tongue.
Looking at pictures from that time, I was skinny, maybe not in the supermodel sense, but enough that I should have been wearing a two piece instead of a one piece with a large t-shirt on top when I went to the pool. It makes me wonder no matter how much weight I lose, will it ever be enough? How many people are really happy with what they’ve be given. It makes me understand how anorexia can happen and why women scurry to the bathroom for a post binge gag although neither is anything that I’ve ever been prone too. I mean part of the joy of eating too much ice cream is walking around for the next 45 minutes with a belly full of ice cream. Own it. Love it.
Although if own it, love it was my body image philosophy I probably wouldn’t be writing this article at all.

I’m going to shoot for the next 15 pounds of pre Connor weight. After that I’ll see how motivated I am to lose the next 10 and maybe after that I’ll go ahead and lose 10 more just so I can bring my grand total up to 53 pounds. And eat Taco Bell each and every night.