Dear Connor - 3 Years, 7 Months

Dear Connor,
Your caterpillars are curled up in their chrysalis, (OMG there is nothing cuter than you saying that word) working hard on turning into moths. We’ve had one moth emerge already and although I tried to explain it to you, better and better each time so that you would get it, you still just look at me, smiling and nodding, waiting for me to stop talking about metamorphosis so that you can ask if you can go play in the hose. Or you talk over me completely, because nothing is more important than playing in the water.

You’ve become timid all of a sudden at swim lessons and I wonder how a child that is so much like a Labrador retriever puppy can be timid around water. Give you 12 ounces of water in a cup and you’ll find some way to entertain yourself for the next 20 minutes, returning into the house beaming and tracking mud onto my clean floors. A bath is a ritual of enjoyment with much negotiation as to when we are getting out of the tub, or shower and when the next time we’ll be getting in will be. You’ll have to pardon me if I don’t take you seriously when you say you are afraid to go to swim lessons.

School is out for the Summer and I’m glad to not have to rush out the door each morning for school and to have you all to myself. This will be the best Summer yet, mostly because you might actually remember some of it, but also because you are old enough to do things that are a little more fun, like Carowinds or the Zoo. We went to the Zoo last weekend, taking a trip to the Columbia Zoo because we’ve heard it’s a better children’s zoo because the animals are easier to see because the habitats are smaller. You did enjoy looking at the animals, but the highlight of the trip for you was most definitely the carousel that you got to ride several times and your first cotton candy experience. Your Dad and I determined that the last time we actually tasted cotton candy was a several decades ago, for us it was a little taste of history.

You are starting to slow down a little. I can now trust you to stand next to me for a minute in the grocery store without pulling everything off of the shelf. Sometimes when I tell you to do something, or ask you to stop doing something else, you actually listen the first time. Un-FREAKING-believable! You can climb a tree and ride a bike. You can hit a ball with a bat and do a front roll. You can go potty by yourself and get your own water from the fridge. You are starting to get the idea of what funny is and sometimes you crack yourself up. Sometimes you crack us up too and I’d like to say that I’m sorry if we don’t laugh at all of your jokes. If you discover that it amuses us to see you running down the upstairs hallway with nothing but a roman soldier helmet on, there’s no telling where it could lead to.
You are learning to manipulate a little more subtly... or what you think it being subtle. I notice that you call me Mama instead of Mommy when you are trying to prove how sweet you are. As in, “Mama, can I have something from the candy box, pppllleeeaaassseee?” You call me Mom nonchalantly as you watch from the corner of your eye when you are bored and trying to push my buttons. I actually don’t like to be called Mom, figuring it won’t be long before you’ll be saying it and you’re brother will be chattering it right behind you. At least let me enjoy the time that I have being Mommy now.

We are planning a beach trip this Summer and I can’t wait to test our your new listening skills. It might even be enjoyable to spend some time with you and your brother in a public place without being stressed out about chasing you both down and keeping you both safe. At least I know that one of you will stay close to me and your brother… well, we can always put him on a leash.

I love you,
Mama

Did it work?

By Golly I think it did. The hypnotism that is. I’ll admit that I smoked a cigarette on the way home from my session because I wanted to see if I was broken. But since then I’ve not smoked and have had much less cravings than usual when I’ve tried to quit.
I’d actually wondered if I could be hypnotized. Supposedly hypnotism is a deeper state than the alpha brain-wave that one achieves during meditation, although it didn’t feel that way to me at all. I have some experience with meditation and it felt like I was at the alpha brainwave with someone speaking to me. I remember everything that was said and feel like I could have sat up and opened my eyes at any moment. There is no way that someone in that state could be talked into doing something that they didn’t want to do… (sorry Hollywood!)
Of course there is the argument that it’s all in my head. That I believe that it worked, or that because I spent the money on it I want to believe that it worked, but the thing is… I didn’t believe it was going to work. I was totally skeptical. I mean, I believe that people can be hypnotized; I just didn’t think that I was one of those people. And now that you know what the process feels like, let me tell you what it feels like now.
It feels like I’ve completely forgotten that I smoke. Like I keep thinking that there is something that I should be going to do, but I can’t remember what it is and then I think, “oh that’s right… I don’t smoke anymore” and I move on. Now, if you were sitting on my porch right now smoking a cigarette, I’d stop typing this immediately and go out and bum one from you, if I could remember long enough that was my intention.
I still have the craving. I still want to eat. I still have bouts of irritability. But for the most part I think I’m done with it. I might have to go again next month to stop eating… but I really feel like I’ll be smoke free.

 

Bock Bock BACOCK!

Most of you know, although some of you don’t, that after quitting smoking for 2 and a half months I started again. I keep procrastinating quitting, but each time I look at the kids, I know I have to. I started taking Yoga last week, hoping that when I do quit it will help me stay focused on healthy habits and keep some of the weight off. I’ve also started Zumba which is a dance step type aerobics, in an effort to get the hell off of the sofa. Now if I could just stop eating.
I was going take the new anti-smoking drug, Chantix but keep reading about possible side effects. I could handle a little bit of nausea but it’s the psychotic episode side effect that has me leery. I’m not prone to depression, (except during pregnancy) so I’m not a likely candidate for that type of side effect, but it’s not something that I really want to risk. Especially with small children in the house.

So, that being said, on Saturday I have an appointment to get hypnotized. It actually costs less than a three month supply of Chantix and truly any amount of money to quit smoking is a savings when you consider the cost of smoking. Two sessions of hypnotism cost roughly about the same as 6 cartons of cigarettes. A bargain!
The hypnotist has a 92% success rate and I’m hoping like hell I’m in that percentage. I believe in hypnotism, I’ve never even once considered that it might be the “devil’s work” and I have no idea why I never thought of it before. Truthfully, I’ve thought about doing past life regression, but never smoking cessation, even though I have friends that have successfully quit long term using the method. I guess I thought it would cost a full year’s salary or something. I really hope that it works for me and I’m looking forward to it. Even if I occasionally cluck like a chicken.

Dear Tristan - 20 Months

Dear Tristan,

This month you are starting to get a grasp on how to win friends and influence people and it goes like this, "hi." You say it to everyone you see and you aren't going to be discriminate about it either. You are so certain those words will bend someone to your will that sometimes when I start to raise my voice to your brother you intervene, leaning in towards me, softly saying "Hi." over and over again. Certainly that will make everyone happy again! Some nights when we put you to bed, I hear you in your crib, saying, "hi" in between fits of screaming. "This screamings not working for me right now... maybe a little bit of cuteness will do the trick".

Little man, you are getting chatty. You constantly amaze us with your ability to remember even the vaguest words. By the time you are two, I expect you'll be speaking in entire paragraphs. Today, when I came home from work, you grabbed my necklace and said, "prettt-tteee" and proceded to put it into your mouth. And no, we're not sick of hearing, " I want dat!" over and over again.

You are still on hunger strike. You've no problem eating a granola bar or anything else with sugar in it, but sneak a vegtable into your mouth and you act like you've been burned, spitting it out and making a ICK noise while you look at us with utter shock and disapproval. How could we betray you so?! I keep putting fruits and veggies on the plate anyway because I know that one day you will shock us all and develop a love for vegetables. In the meantime, each night after dinner I scrape your plate wishing there was some way I could send those scraps to the children around the world that would think the taste of a Mandrin Orange to be a little piece of heaven. Always remember your good fortune.

You've learned to tattle. Now it's hard to tell if your brother really is beating on your or not, because sometimes he'll just brush past you and you'll crouch down and starting crying, "MA-MA!MA-MA!" over and over again like he just kicked you in the head. Or more likely than that, you'll come running, crying and yelling, "MINE! I WANT DAT! MINE!" pointing to the toy that your brother has taken from you. Because you both have this disease that your Dad calls, "You have that I want it". Apparently it's a phenomana that never goes away either. If you're twenty and reading this and don't believe me, pick up some random piece of plastic or some other oddity. Something that looks interesting but should probably be in the trash. Have a conversation with someone while you fiddle with this plastic. Gaze at it with interest while you talk. I bet within the first 30 seconds they say, "What is that?" and in the next five minutes they ask to see it. You have that, I want it.

As much as you and your brother fight though, the two of you LOVE each other. You can't wait to pick him up at preschool and in the mornings if he sleeps in, you stand at the bottom of the stairs, yelling, "CAA_NNAA!" You run around in circles when he first comes downstairs in the morning. You love to wake brother up in the morning also, climbing into his bed and raining kisses all over his face while you whisper over and over, "hi". This morning when you woke him up this way, you laid you head down on his stomach as sort of a hug. He was half asleep and said, "Thank you for the kisses, Tristan. I love you too" And he actually meant it.

I love you,

Mama

Here I am!

I haven’t had much posting time, trying to work and keep up with the kids seems to take up most of the time that I do have. I’ve got a to-do list a mile long and it seems like everyday something else is added. I’ve succumbed to doing things that I wouldn’t normally do, like take both of the kids to the grocery store with me, so that I can manage the time that I do have. Right now, little brother is sleeping and big brother is trashing his own room, (his daily quiet time routine)… but trashing it quietly. I have two loads of laundry to fold, a kitchen to clean and 300 pages of East of Eden to finish reading for book club next week. There are in addition to that 30 other things I could be doing, but today I’m taking a minute to post because I miss writing.

Because when I don’t post to the blog, it makes me feel exactly like I’m putting off calling that far away friend, which just adds another day to the distance.