Too Funny

Pattie sent this to me earlier and it’s too funny not to blog it.

AN OPEN LETTER TO MR. JAMES THATCHER, BRAND MANAGER, PROCTER & GAMBLE.

Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your Always maxi pads for over 20 years, and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts.

But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi-pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from "the curse"? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my "time of the month" is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call "an inbred hillbilly with knife skills."

Isn't the human body amazing? As brand manager in the feminine-hygiene division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers' monthly visits from Aunt Flo.

Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women.

In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy!

The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in capri pants. Which brings me to the reason for my letter.

Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: "Have a Happy Period."

Are you fucking kidding me?

What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness - is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything "happy" about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreens armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory. For the love of God, pull your head out of your ass, man. If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like "Put Down the Hammer" or "Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong"? Or are you just picking on us?

Sir, please inform your accounting department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly sales of your asinine product, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere.

Although I will certainly miss your Flexi-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullshit. And that's a promise I will keep.

Always.

Best,
Wendi Aarons
Austin, TX

My Fantasy

My ultimate kitchen is so large that when people come into the house, the first thing they would say is, “DAMN! That’s a big kitchen”. It would have granite countertops, stainless steel appliances, a stained concrete floor and a large drain in the middle so I could just bring in the hose and clean it like we did in the restaurant. Oh and a hose spigot inside so that I wouldn’t have to run the hose through the back door or an open kitchen window. In fact, I might just build a cabinet around the spigot so that I could keep the hose in there and roll it out when it was time to clean. This is my fantasy this week because Tristan is crawling at lightning speed. Today I was sweeping the floor as fast as I could and I couldn’t move the pile of Cheerios, puffs and other random floor crud as fast as he was coming at it. I’ve swept our floor three times today.

I guess the answer to this is probably to clean up the playroom and put up a baby gate and keep him caged like we did with Connor. But when we had the ghetto barrier, (as we called the gate that had cardboard taped to it so he couldn’t pull up and fall down the two stairs that led into the great room of our old house) we were in the great room all of the time with him. We are seldom in the playroom so I feel like barricading Tristan inside would just be mean. Instead I sweep three times a day.

Tristan has started pulling up and cruising too. He started cruising last Friday, using Mom’s coffee table to hold himself up and scoot from one end to the other after a toy. Connor walked at 10 months and I wouldn’t be surprised if Tristan walked at 9. He wants to follow his big brother around so bad that he busts his bottom on a regular basis, just letting go where he’s standing and taking a step. He doesn’t have the balance for it yet, so it always ends badly. Though not so badly that he’s crying. He’s a tough kid. Getting knocked over by his brother on a regular basis has proven something that I never knew… babies aren’t nearly as fragile as we think they are.

 

Kitty Litter Cake

This was so delightfully discusting that I had to post it.

How to make a Kitty Litter Cake

Even Better Than Blaming The Dog

On Saturday, Jorma and Connor were sitting at the table eating breakfast, Jorma pooted and then he looked at Connor and said, “Was that you?”. Connor replied, “Yes, I pooted upstairs and it just came down to see me!”

 

 

Elmo's World

Yesterday afternoon Larry and Dawn came for a visit. Connor was fascinated with them both, but followed Larry around like a puppy. Larry loves kids and was more than happy to push Connor in the swing and throw him up into the air, but the thing that made Connor decide that Larry was his new bestest friend, (who just happens to have a driver’s license) was this… Larry does a perfect Elmo impersonation.

When it was time for bed, we thought it would be fun to have Larry read Connor a Dr. Seuss book because we knew that we could count on Larry to use all of his cartoon voices. We thought that Connor would be impressed by this and he might have been if he wouldn’t have been so excited that LARRY! was actually in his ROOM! reading to HIM!, that he ran around the room and started rooting through his closet, trying to find something to impress Larry with. When Jorma came in Connor had pulled about 10 books out of his closet, found his ceramic baby shoe piggy bank and was wearing mittens. So much for story time. Larry kept on like a pro, the same way you would if you were in a band and a bar fight broke out while you were playing.

After the kids went to bed and we had a couple of glasses of wine, we too had some laughs at Larry’s Elmo impressions, although there is nothing that I could repeat here for fear of being sued by Sesame Street. I’m sure that Elmo would never say anything that four adults and two bottles of wine could come up with.

This morning when I was bringing Connor downstairs, he looked at me hopefully, “Larry and Dawn are downstairs?” he asked. I explained to him that Larry and Dawn had to go home and that they weren’t here. He looked at me with disappointment and then asked again hopefully, as if I would be able to produce them like new toys from the playroom closet.

Today Elmo is his favorite toy.

Dear Connor - 30 Months

Dear Connor,
I almost never have writers block when I write a letter to you or your brother, but tonight as I sit down to write this, I keep stalling. It’s not that I have nothing to say, but rather there is so much to say that I don’t know how to put it all into words. It’s like thinking that you hear the starting gun in a race, but realizing just before you are about to launch that no, it was just a car backfiring.You are such an amazing kid.

This month you are officially 2 and a half. We have made it halfway through the terrible twos and while sometimes it is really terrible at the same time it’s completely wonderful watching you grow and learn. Your vocabulary is amazing. Now when you speak you actually conjugate verbs. Correctly. Quite honestly I’ve heard 4 year olds that don’t communicate as well. Our house is filled with unbelievable cuteness. We’ve tried to catch some of this cuteness on film but we just aren’t fast enough. You seem to be a little camera shy by nature, even though I’ve recorded and let you watch the footage immediately. You are unimpressed. But even more unimpressed that Mommy won’t let you hold the camera and carry it into the kitchen where you can curl up in a corner with it and disassemble it piece by piece. Thus, if we will not cooperate with you, you will not cooperate with us. We have minimal cuteness on video.

You have a hard time keeping your clothes on and I guess I can’t really blame you there. It must feel great to be naked. Your general around the house attire is a diaper and one sock which might even be better than the sweatpants I wear day in and out, but not by much. Mainly because when I’m wearing my sweatpants, I’m not running around being grumpy because I’m freezing and still refuse to get dressed. There is something you should know if you decide to have children. You have to pick your battles. You see, you can’t punish for every little infraction and because you’re two years old, we have a lot of infractions. Thus, running around the living room half naked is not much of an offense in our house. We save our time outs for the other 5 million battles a day, like smacking your brother in the head with a plastic dinosaur.

You are slowly becoming disenchanted with your brother. You are keenly curious about where he is and what he’s doing, eating or playing with at all times, but past that his presence annoys you. Especially if Mommy is holding him. And if Mommy is holding him AND talking on the phone... Make no mistake about it, you will unleash hell. But because Mommy used to work at the Speedway during race week on three hours of sleep each night, Mommy can withstand all kinds of torture. Even temper tantrums. But your Dad… he lived in Hawaii for a long time and a two year old unleashing hell is far, far away from paradise. Still, we manage. We are pretty sure that soon you’ll be loving on your brother again, just like the month before last but it’s hard waiting for this stage to pass. You will still eat almost anything and if it’s something you claim not to like, we just cover it in ketchup or offer ranch dressing for a dip and you’ll ingest it happily. You, like me, are a dipper. Sometimes I put ranch dressing or ketchup on your plate and tell you, “It’s to dip your Strawberries in”. This is mostly to gross out your Dad who always groans because he knows that you will in fact, dip your strawberries in ketchup. And like it.
You are also insanely curious about growth. You ask me almost daily, if Tristan is big, if Connor is growing, if Daddy is big or if Mommy is growing. I tried to explain to you that when you are a Mommy or a Daddy you stop growing. But that’s not true at all. When you are a Mommy or a Daddy you grow at lightening speed, just like you do, just in a different sort of way.
Love,
Mommy

A Deep Sigh of Relief

Sanjaya finally got kicked off American Idol last night. And suddenly, all is right with the world. He cried when he found out that he was leaving the show, but he had to know that it couldn’t last forever. I mean, not being able to sing and all. It’s not going to be a bad gig for him though. He’ll go back to high school, get laid for the first time, get a paycheck that no talent less 17 year old should be allowed to reap from the AI tour, spend all of his money on a flashy car and hopefully some singing lessons.
Me thinks we can look forward to seeing Sanjaya on an episode of Road Rules in the near future. But at least we don’t have to listen to him sing.

The Life of Pi

I just finished reading The Life of Pi for book club and I had forgotten how much I like it. I read it when I was pregnant with Connor and tried to get Jorma to read it when I was through. I guess I didn’t give the book enough description because Jorma thought that the entire book was about a kid trapped in a lifeboat with a tiger. I guess because it is.For me this book has it all. A survival situation, three religions and animals. What more could I ask for in a book? And it’s SO well written. The story is a little slow starting out, but it’s easy to read because the writing is so poetic. Once you are about a third of the way through the book though, you won’t be able to put it down. It took me a week to get through the first third, but the remainder of the book I read in two days. For me that means during naps and while I’m hiding in the master bath after putting Tristan in the crib, so that he doesn’t see me and can practice putting himself to sleep.
So this time, Jorma has vowed to read it and if you are looking for something good to read... let me know how you liked it.

Cinnamon Pecan Pull-Apart Bread - The Recipe

I have had so many people ask me for this recipe! So here it is:

Cinnamon Pecan Pull-Apart Bread

Butter, for greasing the bundt or tube pan
¾ cup pecan halves
25 oz frozen yeast roll dough, unthawed
¾ cup butter, melted (1 ½ sticks)
3.5 oz package cook-and-serve vanilla pudding mix (not instant)
¾ cup brown sugar
1/3 cup white sugar
2 teaspoons cinnamon

Butter a bundt or tube pan well.
Sprinkle pecan halves over the bottom of the pan.
Place frozen rolls over pecans.
Drizzle the butter over the rolls.
Combine the vanilla pudding mix, sugars and cinnamon in a medium bowl and sprinkle over the rolls.
Let rise overnight. Do not cover, as rolls will rise above the pan.

In the morning, place pan in a preheated 350 degree oven and bake for 25 minutes.
Invert onto a large platter and serve.

Makes 12 servings.

GIANT TURTLES!

Today Connor spent the afternoon with PaPaw and Nana. PaPaw and Nana have a collection of tortoises that they keep as pets, a few even being as large as a oval serving platter. The tortoises were the hit of the day and Connor thoroughly enjoyed following them around announcing, “This one is going to move in just a minute” standing half bent over so that he could watch them as close as possible while they moved.
On the way home there is an area on Old Charlotte Rd. Across from Stonewall Jackson Academy that has several very large stones. There is one rock that is set back from the road, but probably the size of the downstairs of our house. “Mommy!” he exclaimed as we drove past, “It’s a GIANT TURTLE!”
It must be so awesome to live in a world where turtles can be the size of houses, a giant bunny brings chocolate eggs and a mud puddle can be more fun that anything, except the bathtub full of bubbles that comes right after. It’s been a long time since I’ve lived in that world, but I’m so grateful to get a glimpse into it every now and again.

 

Dear Tristan - 7 Months

Dear Tristan,
And so it begins. This month you’ve learned how to crawl. You’ve been creeping on your belly for most of the month but the Saturday that we were in Alabama, you discovered your knees. You aren’t doing the typical baby crawl yet, mostly crawling a few steps, belly flopping a few, rolling and wiggling to get to your destination, but you are definitely crawling. Today, while cleaning up the playroom, I looked up for a minute to see you standing holding on to a blocks container. I thought, “awww, look how he’s just standing there looking out the window. Just standing there, looking. OHMYGOD. HE’S STANDING. LOOKING OUT THE WINDOW. STANDING!” Then I ran to the garage to get your Dad but by the time I there you had fallen onto your bottom and were happily gnawing on the side of the toy box. You tried it again but weren’t able to do it, falling each time. I felt a little bit of disappointment, although I’m not sure if it was because you weren’t able to get back up again, or because you had gotten up in the first place.

This is because you are going through a great phase right now. You crawl over to the toy that you want. You sit and you gnaw on it for a while. Then you drop it and move on. This makes you so happy. And because you are entertaining yourself a little, we are spared from chauffeuring you around the house to avoid the scream of boredom.

We’ve started feeding you sweet potato puffs which are little cereal like pieces that melt in your mouth. You are quite a fan of them, teaching us that the whole “The Baby Will Stop Eating When He’s Full” theory isn’t exactly accurate, although this seems to be true with other foods like green beans and squash.

We’ve spoiled you. It all started with you wanting to go to sleep while being held. You starting waking up frequently and so were we. So finally we got to where, in the name of sleep, one of us brings you to the bed so that you can sleep on my arm. Now it’s that you only want to sleep in the bed. I can’t actually say that I blame you for this. Our king size pillow topped mattress with it’s 5 million thread count sheets is what can best be described as, da bomb. It has the added benefit that when you are say 6 months old and wake for any reason, all it takes is a quick yell and someone is rubbing your back so that you, (WE) can go back to sleep. We’ve tried weaning you off of the bed, but in the end I know what it will come down to, a battle of tears. It is quite possible that we might have to let you cry in intervals until you learn that you can go to sleep without someone patting your butt. It will break our hearts and probably disturb your brother who we can look forward to calling either your Dad or myself into his room every ten minutes to explain "Tristan is crying" and then ask, "Are you going in dare?" It will be a week like no other for us. Don't worry, I'll blog all about it.

Although your brother gets concerned when you are crying, he’s still in training to be a big brother. Sometimes, you’ll be sitting up minding your own business and he will walk by with a sippy cup in one hand and knock you over with the other hand. You usually aren’t phased in the least by this, you are so used to falling down but it kinda ticks off Mommy and Daddy. Big brother is also quick to take a toy away from you and if we aren’t watching carefully, will steal all of the puffs off of your high chair tray and eat them before we can smack him in the back of the head put him in time out. Your Dad and I, are your defenders. And I just want to let you know that the first time you stand up and knock the crap out of your brother for taking something away or for pushing you over… I’m going to pretend that I didn’t even see it. And maybe you can even have freebies for the second and third times too.
Love,
Mommy

Flirting. Old School Style

My widowed Step-Granddad is 94 years old. He’s on no medications, spry and sharp as a tack. He still travels a lot, driving his car and sometimes taking spur of the moment trips so that make everyone panic because no one knows where he’s gone or when he’ll return. So when he was invited to Grandma DJ’s 90^th Birthday party, he was glad to ride down with my Mom and my step Dad. On Saturday before the birthday party we went to the Campground Church. The church is an old country church set back in the woods that has our ancestral graves in the cemetery some dating from the 1800’s. Back past the church in the woods there is a spring where everyone would get their water for parties or weekend revivals. We all walked down the spring and on the way back Grandma, (also a widow) walked back up the hill, holding on to my step Granddad on her left and me on her right. Because of this positioning I was able to hear something that most people don’t get to. 90 year old people… flirting.
This is how the conversation went.

Him, picking up a stick and showing it to her. “I better hold on to this. I might need it”
Her, now leaning heavily on her left side where he is supporting her, “Oh? You gonna spank me?”
Him shaking the stick in a suggestive manner, “You never know. I just might need to”
Her, grinning, “If you spank me I will cry”
Me, thinking, “Dear Lord, now would be a good time for the Earth to open up and swallow me whole”
I can only hope one that I make it to that age and two that I’ll not be afraid to have a little fun.

In His Natural Habitat

Connor in the Woods on Tractor
Originally uploaded by Dewchild.

Connor would have stayed and played on this all day long if we would have let him. It is out back of the Community Center where Grandma's 90th Birthday Party was being held.

Roadtrip Southern Style

On Friday we packed up our children and filled the Mini Van with snacks, toys, strollers, Pack-n-Play and anything else we could possibly need or want and headed down to Alabama for Grandma DJ’s 90^th Birthday party. We knew that the trip would take us a little bit longer with both of the kids, but we didn’t anticipate stopping at every exit from here to Alabama. It’s usually a 7 hour drive, but our Super-Pooper boys created a 9 hour road trip with 8 stops. And after 9 hours in the car, by the time we got to our destination, Connor was like a top that had been wound tight, ready to spin out of control. It was colder than we had anticipated, which meant less outdoor time for the boys, a total bummer since Grandma DJ lives on 70 acres of pasture filled with old barns, tractors and a fish pond. Perfect for little boys.

We had a good time, some good food and saw relatives that I had not seen in 10 years at least. Connor discovered how fun it is to sit on a tractor, climb fences and look at cows. The boys were so exhausted that they were cranky on Sunday for most of the ride home, but passed out two and a half hours from Charlotte and sleep the rest of the way home.

Weary traveler had a new meaning for both Jorma and I. After spending 17 hours in the car over three days we felt like we had been rode hard and put up wet. I was so exhausted Sunday night when we got home, that Monday morning I took a pregnancy test knowing that no way in hell was a pregnant, but thinking that certainly there had to be some other excuse for this fatigue. There wasn’t as the test came out negative and after a full night’s sleep, a nap yesterday afternoon and book club in the evening, this afternoon I feel rested again. There is no sleep like the sleep in your own bed.

All Hail The Cinnamon Pull-Apart Bread

I’m in a Club for Stay at Home Mom’s and each month we have a New Members Tea. The members of the club rotate turns hosting. On Tuesday it was my turn to host. I like hosting these things because it ensures that at least once a year the house gets thoroughly cleaned. I held a Bake-Off and challenged anyone to beat my White Wine Cake, which is famous among dozens. In the running: Cheesecake, Danish Wedding Cookies, Bailey's Irish Cream Cake, Crumb Cake, Banana Pudding, and Cinnamon Pecan Pull-Apart Bread. It was all so delicious that I didn’t even vote for my own but the thing that you’ll never believe is… my White Wine Cake didn’t win. Now this doesn’t put me off in the slightest, since what I was really hoping for was some smack talking LAN Party style and as I mentioned I voted for someone else’s. But I know that both Sam and Mike will be aghast.

Because they too, believe in butter.

The party went well. Connor caused no other children to cry and actually managed to keep his clothes on until everyone left the party. But shortly after our last guest left I found him all keyed up and naked alternating between standing in a chair on the porch rubbing sunscreen (sunscream as he calls it) on his bare belly and running over to the cooler of ice that was tipped over onto the deck playing in it like a Labrador puppy in a puddle. His nudity phase makes me glad we have a privacy fence.
The Cinnamon Pull-Apart Bread was a well deserved win, Jorma and I eating enough cake that we spent the remainder of the day, lounging around the house in a sugar coma while Connor bounced off the walls. All in all it was a good day. All Hail! The White Wine Cake The Cinnamon Pull-Apart Bread!

The Evolution of a Toddler

Last night Jorma had boys nite out, I put the kids down early and played with Windows Movie Maker until 1am. This is what I created.