My love affair with cigarettes

I first started smoking at Western Carolina. I made it all the way through high school without smoking and always swore I'd never be a smoker. But when attending parties at Western Carolina, it seemed like the thing to do. I never started smoking, just to smoke. I just wanted to blow smoke rings. After a while, my friend and supplier of cigarettes, Carrie, pointed out that she like the rest of us was dirt poor and that if I wanted to bum cigarettes to try to blow smoke rings, I needed to buy my own pack. It never occurred to me that I might get hooked. Hell, I was just having a little fun.

Smoking later turned into the actual thing, but only casually at parties and the like. Then I discovered that if I was up late studying, it helped me stay awake. If I was hungry, I could smoke a cigarette instead of eating something and it would get me through. If I had been up late the night before, smoking a cigarette before class helped wake me up. Coffee probably would have done the same thing, but we didn't have a coffee pot in the dorm. In fact, I didn't develop my love affair with coffee until some time later when I discovered how good it went with a cigarette first thing in the morning.

I'm telling you this because today I end my love affair with cigarettes. If quitting smoking was easy we would have a lot less smokers in the world. It's hard. It's really, really hard. One of the things that makes it really hard is that quite honestly, I love smoking. It's relaxing. It's soothing. It relieves both anxiety and depression. It's an appetite suppressant. It's a friend. It's a reward system. I'm not quitting because I want to. I'm quitting because I need to. Because I have to.

"Smoking is out of style" 'you say. To which I would like to point out, in every generation looking like you just don't give a shit... is always in style. But I do give a shit, which is why I'm quitting. Not just because I'm pregnant, although that is reason enough, but because I want to be able to attend Connors high school graduation without an oxygen tank strapped to my back. Because I need to be able to catch my breath chasing around two little ones. Because I unlike the generation before me, I waited until my early thirties to have kids and I would like to be around as long as possible.

All in all, it's still really really hard. Thus, I'll be welcoming all thoughts, prayers, comments, phone calls and emails of encouragement. Cookies are nice too. Wish me luck.